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The death of a loved one can be one of the most traumatic events of life. Whether a person dies a long slow death from cancer or Alzheimer's, or if a person dies a quick death from heart attack or car wreck, the survivors enter a new experience that our culture has not taught us how to deal with. In an effort to show concern and be comforting, people sometimes say dumb or hurtful things because they don't know what else to say. The following are suggestions of do's and don'ts to help everyone become more sensitive to others grief issues.

DO'S

Do let your genuine concern and caring show.
Do be available: to listen, to run errands, to help with the children or whateveris needed at the time.
Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share. It is important to tell the story over and over.
Do talk about the special memories you have of the person who has died.
Do say, "I don't know how you feel, but I want you to know that I care." This is the kindest sentence you can offer anyone.

DON'T

Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience.
Don't say you know how they feel. You don't know now another feels. Everyone deals with pain in different ways.
Don't tell them what they SHOULD feel or do. Grief sometimes takes a long time. Telling someone to "snap out of it" doesn't help.
Don't sat they can always (get married again), (have another child), etc. Another would not replace the one they've lost.
Don't say they should be grateful for their remaining loved ones. Grief over the loss of one person does not discount a person's love of his or her living family.

Submitted by Phyllis M. Hansen, MSW, Grief Counselor

ADDITIONAL ARTICLES:

Is Grief Work?
Helping Friends Who Grieve
Elements of Healing a Broken Heart
Unresolved Grief May Be Hazardour to Elders' Health
Enjoy the Holidays Even if a Loved One is Gone
Holidays Can Heighten Grief, Feelings of Loss
Helping Kids Deal with Death
What Precedes an Adolescent Suicide?
Some Specific Concerns for Survivors When a Loved One Dies
The Invisible Grief of the Widower
This is a Tough Time for Those Who Are Mourning a Loss.
Grief for the Loss of a Loved One Can Be a Time for Great Personal Growth
Broken Hearts Comforted with the Song "Taps"
Each Fold of the American Flag Has Deep Meaning for All.

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